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‘So, I don’t watch it myself now and the times that my husband and I have watched it together, it hasn’t been very successful,’ she said. Not least the questions of consent and content ownership, and the alarming rise of deepfake porn that’s been making headlines over the past weeks.

Pleasure point

Here is where the type of porn matters, when it comes to helping women enjoy the pleasure and potential sexual relationship-strengthening benefits, while avoiding its much-discussed dark side.

When we spoke, Jane – a sexual health nurse in her early 30s – was heavily pregnant with her second child; she went into labour just six days later. ‘I can’t find it a turn on unless the women are enjoying it, and finding women who enjoy it in porn these days is quite few and far between.’

As ever, with women’s relationship with porn, the story is complex – thanks to the murky, exploitative reality of its much of its creation. This time around pregnancy had been hard. She couldn’t watch porn without being scared of what she’d see, and though she’d tried looking for more women-centred content, she didn’t find anything she liked enough to have on her digital footprint. It wasn’t only about the baby coming, it was balancing that with the needs of her toddler, her nursing career and her marriage. ‘I’m due a baby next week, so I’m really not in the mood. That butch lesbian porn’s the mom stuck in sink porn way black porn online I used misty rain porn it really lauren elise porn, as a warm hidden cam toilet porn up for mimi yazawa porn sex neptunia porn.’

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And it meant, understandably, that in the last few months she’d completely lost touch with her sexual desire. I haven’t been for a while,’ she told me. So, I said to him, “Maybe when we’re ready to get back on the game, we can buy one of her films.”…I think that porn can help us get back into it.’

Plugging the gap

Sometimes, where porn factors into women’s lives is less about their own pleasure badd angel porn and it has a more functional role for the health of their relationship.

‘I registered on her website and you get a free clip and it was really sexy and sensual and nice. ‘I was speaking to my partner last night about maybe getting a subscription to something like Erika Lust,’ she told me – referencing the female-directed porn pioneer. ‘I suppose I had this naive take on relationships, at the time, that sex and sexual attraction is the key part of your relationship,’ she said. ‘And I felt probably a little bit, I don’t know whether jealousy is the right word, but a little bit threatened, a little bit shocked that, actually, he was looking to other sources of pleasure or arousal that weren’t with me.’

Porn didn’t really play much of a part again in that relationship or any others. ‘Plus, this is my second baby so we have an idea that afterwards it’s tough to get back in the saddle.’

Here is where she thought porn might come in handy. You could tell the woman was enjoying it and they were kind of good-looking but normal-looking people. Throughout her twenties, though, she said her confidence grew and she became more comfortable with her body. Like many women, she felt she hit her sexual stride in her thirties, right when, as luck would have it, having a baby took most of her desire for sex away. When we spoke, Jessica, a woman her forties, told me that her sexuality had been buried after the birth of her first child two years ago.

Jessica’s first real introduction to porn was at nineteen, when she moved in with her first boyfriend who was in his mid-twenties, found his stash of magazines and binned them. ‘It really does turn your world upside down, particularly if you’re breastfeeding and you’re taking prime responsibility for caring for the child, which is exhausting. Rather than seeing yourself sexually as a woman, you’re more in touch with a new identity of being a mother and a carer. She said that sex was never discussed in any context in preparation for parenthood, but having a child was having a huge impact on her and the relationship she had with her partner.

‘The birth of my child has drastically changed my sexuality and how in touch I am with it,’ she said. For me, that’s led to a lot of tension.’

Her partner was using porn at the time. But the way the conversation has been framed so far has made it harder for us to talk about the complexity. It changes your whole identity but there’s nothing to prepare you or your partner for that. They talked about it a few times – and she accepted it had a purpose. What we need is to be able to talk about it all, how it helps and how it harms. ‘Though my feelings were still on the negative side about porn in general, at one point I thought, “Actually, maybe it’s fine.” It was providing whatever he needed then and it took the pressure off me.’

What these stories show is that there is no single story of porn and what it means for women’s sexual and emotional health.

Whatever porn has, or hasn’t, meant in our lives, it seems like it’s here to stay. Because, sometimes, it’s both.